Big Boys Don't Cry

The pain...the unbearable pain.
Big boys don’t cry.

His mother thrashed him for stealing another boy’s electronic toy car. It was actually his brother who had been the thief but he loved him too much to see him getting scolded. He felt like crying but managed to keep his eyes from streaming.

The pain, consuming him bit by bit….the pain capturing his breath…..
Big boys don’t cry.

His beloved left him for his friend. All that she had wanted was his money. He had been duped…..robbed of wealth, and pride. All was lost. A tear was about to roll down his cheek. He rushed to the washroom, washed his face and pretended to be normal.
Big boys don’t cry.

The pain, strangling him….heavy…..heavy……so heavy within his chest. The pain…the piercing pain.

He put everything he had, to get his mother operated. He loved her more than anything else in the world. He held her hand in his and told her how happy he was to see her recover that fast. She smiled and her flesh turned cold. He felt his eyes water. He pulled out his handkerchief and moved it over his eyes to ensure they looked unaffected.
Big boys don’t cry.

The handkerchief is wet. Sweat. Sweat. So much of it.

He throws himself into his chair, his trembling hand reaching for the glass of water. It falls midway. A tear escapes his eyes. Another one. Yet another one.
A body……dead……and wet, with sweat, and with tears.

If only, big boys could cry.


(Sunday, December 17, 2006)

feel like you've read it before? Click here.

It's my turn

As I see my hands twitch and tremble while cleaning up my desk, I realize that feelings are funny things. 

They trick you into getting attached to stuff as silly, useless and of almost zero aesthetic value, as dried flower petals and torn wrapping papers taking up all of your drawer space. You know that nobody will use them for anything. You know that the next time you'll look at them will be when you decide to clean up your desk again. But you still think countless times before doing away with them.

No one is brave enough to defy feelings at one go. But technology's greatest gift to mankind is the amazing way to store stuff in a couple of bytes, without having it take your drawer space. 

And now, this stuff will have everything to do with memories and feelings and attachment but nothing to do with dilemma.

Feelings trick you too often to even think of beating their score. But at least you can gain more points by tricking them sometimes.

I finally convinced my feelings to let me send a few things to the bin. All I had to do was to trick my feelings into thinking that some space is to be made for better gifts to come ;)

The Presence

There was something very different about this hotel. She felt that there was something special about that moment. She always sensed his presence.


She breathed carefully, savoring the air that must have run through his body before it entered hers. She wanted him to be so close to him that even air knows no escape.


She looked at the painting on the wall. It had definitely been admired by a pair of wide, curious eyes. She felt like gazing into those eyes and find her world inside them.


As she pushed the door open, she knew he must have went through the same door, touched the same knob. She could feel his hands pressing hers over the knob, while he smelt the scent of her hair.


As she walked past a display glass showcasing jewellery, a pendant caught her attention. He must have noticed it, asked for its cost and ordered it. She could feel him holding her from behind, bringing his hands up from her waist to her neck, placing the pendant there, shifting her hair to one side, and tying the neckpiece.


She walked over to the bar and took a seat. She breathed heavy now. Her heart paced faster. He was near. She could feel it. She trembled. She was out of her mind, and her heart was out of her. She could take it no longer.


"Excuse me madam, but this pendant needs you to embellish it by placing it over your neck."


It was him, so near, right behind her. She felt as if she was dead.


Only she knew how tough it was for her but she managed to turn around and look at him.


"Listen, your presence alone is intolerable to me, you get it?", she said sternly and walked away immediately.


"Literally!", she sighed beneath her breath, as she still tried to bring her heartbeat under control.

Silent Thoughts

When there aren't enough words...

The Doll in the Glass

You see me, you smile at me.You look at me like I'm adorable.


You want to talk to me. I talk to you. You like talking to me. I like talking to you.


You feel happy when you see me. You think I'm cute, charming and nice.


I like making you feel happy. Your smile means a lot to me. It means, I'm worth your attention. It means, I'm no longer alone.

But I can't always make you happy; Not when you start expecting more. 


I can't simply let you penetrate into my world, because for that something must be broken.


It isn't a hard something - only a glass wall. It is easy for you to break.


What is difficult, is the decision.


You either break the wall to get what you desire, or you don't, to save me from the shattered pieces of glass piercing my skin, my body, my heart.


You can just adore my flawless beauty from a distance, or you can be near me and feel my ugly scars.


The choice is yours.


I'm just a doll in a glass waiting for your decision. Any decision will do.

But once again, I waited in vain. There are dolls that offer better options, I guess. 

No Reason

There doesn't have to be a reason for everything. 


Sometimes, things just happen.

I had no reasons to smile at you when I first saw you.

None at all for talking to you.

I just happened to enjoy spending time with you, sharing my thoughts with you, laughing with you, hearing you talk, sing, tell stories.....

There was no reason for my eyes to sparkle at your sight.

There was no reason for my cheeks to gain colour on hearing someone say your name.

If you'd ask me why I held your hand or why I let you hold mine, why I made you feel special or why I felt special with you, I'd fall silent....

.....because somethings just happen!

Just like, I happened to like you so much, I wanted to be with you all the time.

Just like, I happened to depend on you so much, I felt I would choke without you.

Just like, one day, I happened to realize I can be on my own.

I had no reasons for wanting to be alone.

I had no reasons to hurt you or to make you cry.

But I did. And now, everything seems to have gone my way. I don't regret a thing.






But still, there isn't always a reason for everything, like there isn't any for why I should feel like crying my heart out now.

What trust can do

You are known by several names – God, Destiny, Fate, but attaching names to you is just not enough. I prefer to attach value.

Accepting you as my guide, my teacher and my well-wisher has been the best thing I’ve ever done.

People thank you, blame you, pray to you but all that they really need to do is TRUST you. That is all that you've ever required of me and you have given me so much in return.

You didn’t teach the sand of the desert to absorb water, but you’ve taught me to love the feeling of it slipping through my hands – one that the mud of the forest cannot offer.

You made me realize that there would not have been a world for me if it were not for these eyes, this nose, this mouth, these ears, this skin, this mind, this body, this heart, this soul.  Any one amiss and the world would be incomplete for me. So it’s not really the World that needs to change.

I’m NOT JEALOUS because I know you give each that suits best.

I’m NOT HOSTILE to those who sent troubles for me because I know they were only your plans to help me become stronger.

I’m NOT REGRETFUL because you brought lovers to me and sent them far, for I know you intend to put each to test and make only the most devoted one my partner for life.

I’m NOT SORROWFUL when I don’t clear an exam because I know it’s so that I think beyond it and pay attention to something that I forgot to notice and something that’s more beneficial.

I’m NOT BOASTFUL because it is you that have made me all that I am and you who provide me with all that I have.

I’m AMBITIOUS because you have laid down for me the pleasant and the treacherous paths so that I have every chance to enjoy my journey and prove myself worthy of what it has to offer.

I’m HOPEFUL  because each moment, you unfold either a surprise or an adventure for me, and whatever it be, I know it’s getting me closer to the mission of my life.

I’m GRATEFUL to each and everyone for playing their assigned roles you gave them and in the best possible manner.

I’m BENEVOLENT because when I see people suffering, I know there’s a reason why I’m on the other side.

I’m CONFIDENT that the strongest force will always stay besides me.

Some rain and some coffee

"It's Raining!"
She had to scream to make her voice reach his ears amidst the roaring thunder.

"Yea, and if we don't find a shelter soon, the rain will wash away your make up",
he smiles devilishly at her,
"and I certainly don't want that to happen."

"Why is that?"

He keeps walking and smiles secretly, without looking at her.
She has to run to keep up with his pace.

"Tell me", she raises her voice, "why is that?"

"You think I would look ugly without makeup? You think your 'wow-figure" colleague looks any better without makeup?"

"I just don't understand....You men! You want a girlfriend to straighten your bow tie before you leave for a meeting, and a bitch for an eye candy....."

She keeps screaming at him but his ears have successfully managed to block out her continuous rants.
He imagines her with wet hair, without any make up, fresh skin, smelling only of her......


There's a secret that she would never believe.
He loves the pimple on her forehead, that she tries hard to conceal. It makes him smile because he knows he's the only one who can get so close to her to notice it, and he feels relieved that he loves no plastic, but a beautiful real woman in flesh and bones.


He only wishes that she understands that she doesn't have to try one bit to make him adore her.
It is so automatic!

"It is so automatic!", he hears her say.

"Huh?", he looks at her.

"I said, it is so automatic for you men to gaze at 'other' women, who they think are prettier"

He noticed he couldn't feel rain drops falling over his shoulders any more. They were standing at the entrance of a coffee shop, spacious with lots of tables, but only one occupied, by an old couple.


He hung his coat, she took out her handkerchief and wiped her face.
It wiped her beauty off her, she frets.
It wiped her ignorance off her, he thinks.


They took a table.

"Two Cappuccino, please", he ordered

She lay her head over the table and looked into his eyes.

"I know I'm not that pretty without makeup. But I want to be the prettiest girl you've ever seen. And that's why I'm so hurt, and I called you names, and yelled at you, and called that woman a bitch."

He is so in love with her, he thinks.

"I'm not sorry about the last one though"

He knows she wants him to say something, but he doesn't because all he wants to do is listen to the voice that stirs his soul.

"It's hard to hear things that made you try so hard so you don't have to hear them......"

"That's exactly what your problem is", he interrupts her.

"You try too hard....when baby, you don't need to"

She listens calmly.

"With make up, you are the prettiest girl I've ever seen.
Without make up, I'm sure, you are even prettier....
And you certainly are the only woman that I find pretty when she's yelling at me." He winks.

"I didn't want your make up to be washed off because it is so automatic for men to gaze at other women.....And I can't stand another man glancing at you."

"Thank God for it's Sunday, it's raining, your make up is washed off, and there are no young men in here to gaze at you"

"And this coffee mug.....I thank it....It's the first one that'll not carry your lipstick mark for anyone to see"


__________________________________________________________________________________

It's raining!
She is wet and water drips off her hair. 
A shiver runs through her as the drops seep into the soil and she can smell the aroma of cappuccino rise from his grave beneath the Earth.
__________________________________________________________________________________

Guilty!

In the process of trying to make tough days (unsuccessfully) better, I prepared a battlefield for my self and my conscience. My desperation to overcome the negativity that has been hovering over my mind for a few days has led me to being guilty of:

1)  Having too much happy food - ice cream, chocolates and soda (read loads of calories)

2)  Not having studied a damned single word for my ongoing exams

3)  Reading 'The winner stands alone' by Paulo Coelho, instead

4)  Moving my blog stuff from my previous address to this new one on the day just before my first sessional exam, while my course books rest in peace inside a wooden table

5)  Writing this post, and still not giving books a thought

6)  Pretending to be guilty when I'm actually amazingly relaxed

"Guilt is the price we pay willingly for doing what we are going to do anyway"  -Isabelle Holland

With time, Wounds heal,

But dead bodies rot.

Never Again

As she stood at the kitchen sink cleaning up dishes, she murmured "Never. Never. I'm never going to call him or even miss him. I'm OK. I'm absolutely OK without him."

The scrubbing sponge in her hand moved inside and outside the coffee mug in rythm with her murmur.

"I've managed a week without him and I can manage throughout my life. Don't need him. Don't need anybody."

"It feels good to be single. It's nice to be alone. My life's mine. Finally, I can dedicate each moment to myself. I can go out without having to take permissions. I can go on girls' days out."

Her hands paused and a slight grin showed on her face.

"I can even date guys - charming, handsome, smart, rich guys- who do not check my phone log everyday or demand that I give them my e-mail passwords."

She placed the mug aside and picked up a spoon, scrubbed it, and picked another.

"I can't believe it. How silly I've been to think that I'm so dependant on someone!", She chuckled.

She hummed a tune, smiled and took pride in her achievement. She was happy with herself for having welcomed singlehood cheerfully and for not having been an emotional fool.

While her hands still worked, rinsing one mug after another, and spoon after spoon, her mind wandered around all the possibilities of how she could enjoy her new life.

The phone rang and she was stirred from her dream, her hands jerked, the glass chipped and a piece of it pierced her skin, cutting her wrist, making it bleed. She immediately washed the cut under running water and held the wounded wrist tight with the other hand.

The phone stopped ringing.

The bleeding won't stop.

She ran, picked up the telephone receiver, dialled some numbers.

"Hello", she said, and her eyes streamed uncontrollably.

"I cut my hand baby. I need you to kiss it, please."

Fourteenth Of February

She wiped off her smudged mascara, daubed her cheeks with rouge, stepped into her red stilletos, picked up her Gucci bag, stepped out of her house and smiled.

When the fourteenth of February is Valentine's Day for the World, she might as well celebrate it as her Independence Day.

Leave me the shadow

                                                   

                                                                                                                                                                               

Free me

Of the countless gazes,

That make my life

A maze of mazes

I need an existence

That is opaque, obscure

And yet a life that is

Transparent and pure

No one to ask

Where and how I've been

So that I can glide through the lanes

Unnoticed, unseen

No complaints, no expectations,

No praises, no worth

I want to be a flowing

Dark patch on the Earth

You'll walk all over me

But it'll cause me no pain

Your efforts to hurt me

Will all go in vain

Move the weight of visibility

 Off my chest

Leave me the shadow

And take the rest.

There shall be Change

Earth covered with leaves of windfall

The wind shall come and take them all

An Ordeal

Petrifying Darkness

Icy Winds

Sparkling Moonlight

Gleaming Arrow

Wounded Flesh

Piercing Shriek

Excruciating Pain

Dripping Blood

Scarlet Earth

Grim Reaper

Obnoxious Mercy

Accursed Life

Feels like an ordeal?

Feels like Love!!!